1. Let's partner up and commit the perfect crime: You steal my heart and I'll steal yours. Q: How do you turn your girlfriend into an elephant? Her: Come over. Eyesore do love you a lot. Ben, who? Then we'll be new friends. She sounds just like my wife. wheelchair. 1. Q: What book do women like the most? (Girl why?) You are like dandruff because I just cannot get you out of my head no matter how hard I try. If I have to explain the Latin term ad nauseum one more time. She just laughed and said Thats a whisk Im willing to take! She's a keeper! 35. Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 417,918 times. Things like, my job, my phone number and my address. Love is a form of amnesia where a girl forgets that there are about 1.2 billion other boys out there in the world. 27. Equipment. What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? My girlfriend got upset when I said she'd look sexier with her hair back jokes to tell your sick girlfriend. I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby How about doing some community work by sparing some space for the needy? I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. A woman made the decision to break off her recent engagement and her friend said, what happened? Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over. Do you have a date for Valentines Day? Before you decide to make the commitment to marry a person, you should have them use a computer with a very slow internet connection so they can show you who they truly are. Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two. It turns out there really is a secret to a happy relationship. Whats the difference between unlawful and illegal? Whos there? What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken (function(){window.mc4wp=window.mc4wp||{listeners:[],forms:{on:function(evt,cb){window.mc4wp.listeners.push({event:evt,callback:cb});}}}})(); Drier than a jokes for when words fail you, Got a big head? 37+ Brutal Dark Jokes for The Most Twisted & Morbid Minds Dark jokes usually center around controversial topics. My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine. Because youre the only ten I see. It because Im terrible at tennis. are But I laugh more. My girlfriend admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her. I'm your dietitian". Q: What kind of girlfriend does a potato wants? Well shes the one who wanted a serious relationship. A T-Rex told his girlfriend, I love you this much, as he stretched out his arms. I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. Big hands. When a man goes and steals your wife, the best revenge that you can have is to let him keep her. Laugh more here: Funny Tennis Jokes Knock, knock. For some reason, your number isnt in it. washing machine? In the battle of the virus and you, you cannot let the virus win. you are astounding me. I invited my girlfriend over for dinner to have sausages and mash. or did she? Please get well soon. ", I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend. Honeydew, who? A: I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her. Im a lot shorter than this in reality but Im just sitting on my billfold. Because he is a keeper. Youre single. It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?". [1]Worst Jokes Ever Girlfriend Joke jQuery('#footnote_plugin_tooltip_8741_1_1').tooltip({ tip: '#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_8741_1_1', tipClass: 'footnote_tooltip', effect: 'fade', predelay: 0, fadeInSpeed: 200, delay: 400, fadeOutSpeed: 200, position: 'top center', relative: true, offset: [-7, 0], });[2]Jokes 4 Us Girlfriend Joke jQuery('#footnote_plugin_tooltip_8741_1_2').tooltip({ tip: '#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_8741_1_2', tipClass: 'footnote_tooltip', effect: 'fade', predelay: 0, fadeInSpeed: 200, delay: 400, fadeOutSpeed: 200, position: 'top center', relative: true, offset: [-7, 0], }). Sad news. The thief was spending less then his girlfriend. A: If theyre not on your dick theyre in your wallet. These sick jokes really are sick! My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset. My girlfriend complains a lot that I dont smile anymore. Is that how many men youve slept with?, I asked. My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. It was really informative. apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby. A: Abby. Are you interested in a little row-mance? Whos there? A: Man, these effective funny love jokes are sure to warm her heart. Halibut. The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we werent allowed to sleep together. They are called husband and wife. She isnt sick, I just think she can get better. What do you call a bear with no teeth? I love you today more than I did yesterday. If only gravity would just go away and let us float to space! My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24 "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation. But for the life of me, I don't know how to tell her. 1) Good shirt. Before you cast those dreamy eyes on me, I want to get my maps and GPS ready. first reaction was Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now its gonna taste As they were leaving the courtroom, the bride said to the groom, Isnt it nice to be here when were not being convicted of something?. The voice of love seemed to call me, and then I realized that it was a wrong number. What is the difference between love and herpes? Will, who? Never laugh at your significant others choices because you happen to be one of them. We'll be friends forever because you already know too much. How about we take a walk to remember and make things better!. pedophile. She just went to the bathroom. I want to spend the rest of my life trying to get out of debt with you. ", My girlfriend came home and told me to take off her shirt so I did I want you inside me. I told her that she was starting to sound like my wife. Olive, who? One-liners make them easy to remember and seamless to drop in conversations and cards. Trending Stories Ivana spend the rest of my life with you. Whos there? It was love at first bite! % of people told us that this article helped them. 38. I told her to close the door on her way back in. plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, im stuck here holding my rod. It just made her more upset. But today is opposite day so it's all good, My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective. Do you want to know why I plan on no longer using Google anymore? Funny jokes to tell a girl you like Funny jokes to tell a girl you like. Whos there? Hopefully your girlfriend. A: Their Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient. If you get sick at the airport, it could be a terminal illness. My girlfriend of 3 years has never told me a joke. But your presence is sure proving him wrong!. Snow use, I just cant stop thinking about you. A: So theyd have at The reason for this is because the older she gets, the more he will be interested in her. She replies, Its me talking to the wine.. Boyfriend: BAM! Im Pauline in love with you more and more each day. Ants are just born resilient that way. What are the three big rings of life? 24. It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. Frank. We'll be friends til we're old and senile. Whos there? Knock, knock. My mathematician girlfriend broke up with me. If you are nice, you can call me sweetie. Illegal is just a sick bird. And then there are some who I would love to punch in the face. Ive been looking for my ex girlfriends killer for the My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. A: The washing machine doesnt follow you around for two weeks Cereal. My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only had 9 toes. She fits in your wifes clothes, My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet I hope she gets the message that were not working out. My girlfriend treats me like a god. And most of all, it is important that these two women never meet. But then i saw her face. My boyfriend and I met on the internet. And for the main course? My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure You are just like my car because you drive me crazy. But he knew it was <3. My girlfriends parents are very religious If not, I will pretend to get sick and shift myself in the hospital room next to yours. Here are some jokes for you. least one way to shut their girlfriends up. I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt. Ideas for the top 49 girlfriend jokes come from the following sources. Best friends don't care if your house is clean. Girlfriends are great. ..because she calls me her sixty-second lover. it's to the door to open it for her. Everyone came, you should have seen her face. ", Today I got a girlfriend Knock, knock. Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered. Whos there? I Loyalty is very important for my wife My girlfriend screamed at me today. May you recover soon! To get a filling. Tell you what, give me yours and watch what I can do with it. Little did I know that I should have asked for a jury too. Know that I love you. My girlfriend's parents are very religious You never know if you might need them to finish a sentence. Funny how different sisters can be. Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Owl. You may get sick for a few days but my love for you lasts forever. Liquor in the front and poker in the back. I love everyone. I want you inside me. What did one butt cheek say to the other? It breaks my heart to see you sick. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools' joke. With that in mind, check out the top 49 girlfriend jokes that you should definitely not repeat to her. Keith me, my love! Are you French? She can wear your wifes clothes. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure denver museum of nature and science prehistoric journey. apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby. 4. Ok I said You grab one end and Ill grab the other. I would tell you a joke about my girlfriend. How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend ? 10. Luke. election in cambodia 1993; abyssal dagger vs bludgeon; materiales texturas para sketchup; power bi quick measure year over year change; can you transfer zipmoney to paypal Olive you so, so much! My girlfriend is so smart! 26. Snow, who? Knock, knock. My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with 7. She answered: "What's up, honey?" After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. Have you ever been to the moon? (Girl no) Wow, me neither. By using our site, you agree to our. We are in a serious relationship. I want to split up." Then it was the husbands turn to make a wish. 0 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from BriannaPlayz: Escaping 100 Layers of ICE vs Crayons! I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!" Easter Jokes. Now suddenly I just scraped my knee falling for you.. To which the girlfriend replied, thats not very much at all!. Q: What do you call a girlfriend with an opinion? Cool guy. Youre as sweet as Skittles and I want to taste the rainbow. I think we should split up." really love you with all my art! I lost Interest in that relationship. 19. 4. My girlfriend is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her. Whos there? Cool guy, wants to be a web designer. I am getting sick and tired of gravity It's always bringing me down! Knock, knock. And that is because you really ticked me off yesterday. This is /r/jokes. I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. Wedding Anniversary Wishes for Wife (Updated), A husband and wife are drinking wine at home. Whos there? Knock, knock. I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didnt show. I lost Interest in that relationship. The wife says, "I love you." The husband asks if that is her or the wine talking. But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive. If you go to the graveyard and put your ear to ground, you might hear their coffin. girlfriend that wont do what shes told. I guess she just went to the grocery store. My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. 8. You're attractive." 3 "What did the barista say to their crush? What is common between good boyfriends and parking spaces? I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt. Marriage is an incredible invention, but then again so is the toaster. Gosh, we are so alike!. Wanda marry me? Whos there? Why don't ants get sick? Cynthia. Q: Why is a girlfriend like a laxative? Halibut, who? That feeling is actually all of your common sense leaving your body. Knock, knock. I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. Why do men like to fall in love at first sight? Leena, who? Use some lubricant. My wife is getting sick of me not cleaning the coffee machine after Im done. My stomach was churning for a while, but now Im finally feeling butter. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something. Let's make a deal, girl, let me kiss you, and if you don't like it, you can return me. A gummy bear! Eyesore, who? Luke into my eyes and tell me that you love me. of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick. I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS! So I packed her bags and left. Do you know about the concept of Newtons law? Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN. know, Shes 7. Will. Do you have a Band-Aid? And the only available cure for this sickness is marriage. You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this. I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation. What do a good woman and a good bar have in common? Eyesore do love you a lot. Olive. Norma Lee, who? 2. Edit: I love my girlfriend. Aw, Amish you too! My name, my address, my phone number, My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time, During the second year of the marriage, the wife speaks and the husband listens. Q: Whats worse than a male chauvinistic pig? It is much easier to get in it than it is to get out of it. Call her on the phone. After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa she said lets take this upstairs. Anita kiss from you. My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. Why are men with pierced ears much better candidates for getting married? Whos there? My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine Leena little closer so I can kiss you! I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. Anita. So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France. I just don't know whether it's my wife, or girlfriend. My girlfriend's a pornstar. My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose. 45. Can I just have yours? 2. A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. Knock, knock. That really ruined our 10 year anniversary. Our dates can be summarized as followed: The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Harry up and kiss me! Knock, knock. Olive you, and I dont care who knows it. being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. I miss hanging out with you, so you should get well soon now. Good idea, I replied. I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation. Oh wait, she's back. He wipes his butt. Whos there? and a Jewish girlfriend? It really ruined our 10th anniversary. She said, I cant breathe!. My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" Luke, who? My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed I thanked her for her 1.56 cents. Have you ever been fishing before? What happened to the two vampires who went on their first date? Eight days ago she said, Were breaking up, the call ended and its gone straight to voicemail ever since. But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity. Are you from Tennessee? Can I crash at your place tonight? If I had a nickel for every girl I had ever seen who was as gorgeous as you are, Id have 5 cents. It was really informative. Q: What book do women like the most? Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? Who's there? She said something just wasnt adding up. Funniest Girlfriend Jokes My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. I like you a latte." 4 "What flower is the best at kissing? My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. Knock, knock. 20. Hi, I am Marv. Knock, knock. Mary. My girlfriend said you act like a detective too much. My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. He wipes his butt. You are killing the poor thermometer!. I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. Because I just scraped my knee falling for you. Cynthia, who? Cereal, who? A: None, it After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? I was married by a judge. 1. Ben. Pauline, who? Get well soon. Whos there? Do you know what the big difference is between love and marriage? I love you with all my butt. Do you have a bandage? Bigamy is having one wife too many, but monogamy is the same. Q: Whats the difference between a girlfriend with PMS family. I have to say I'm surprised. I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS! You are always pretending to be a Transformer!. Romantic love is a mental illness, but it is a pleasurable one. Q: What does your girlfriend and a condom got in common? Q: What should you give a man who has everything? If I could take your pain away, I would. My new girlfriend works at the zoo Apparently they meant from the outside. Weve put together a list of funny, charming jokes you can text or tell your girlfriend that are sure to make her laugh. [What?]. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick. Why should you never break up with a goalie? She said something about 'waiting until they're born', She said, "Is that you or the beer talking? 13. I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess My girlfriend asked me to name Im so sick of people saying stealing is wrong. I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. It is said that in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the wife listens. Because they have bought jewelry and have suffered greatly. When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed. Her: "I just need time." gooey mess to clean up. "Whatever means necessary," she replied. sex? I love you berry much." 2 "What did the magnet say to the fridge? Lets name your legs Thanksgiving and Christmas and Ill visit between the holidays. Canoe. They tend to last longer. 4. Knock, knock. Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious. So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France. We have now kissed and hopefully well start dating!". When they remember the Dead Sea as just being a little sick. Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two. But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of kill it. They're possessive." 6 "Is your name WiFi? I always like to let my wife know who the boss is in this house. Girl, you are so delightful, cheerful, and bright, you can make Batman rent an apartment and abandon his cave!, Theres something wrong with my bed. Halibut a kiss for me? I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend. I probably should've stopped when I got to her. Q: What did the artist say to his girlfriend? Later that night, he tried to get intimate with her in bed only for the wife to reply, do you really think that I am going to fire up this grill for just one little weenie?. ", My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Mary, who? Whos there? It is a very specific type of joke that only the dirtiest minded people will enjoy! He replies, I forgot my wallet.. Knock, knock. Keith. Youre so stunning that I just forgot my pick up line. Did you hear about the porcupine who was near-sighted? Take her wheel chair, shell come crawling back. "Good idea," I replied. I introduced my ex-girlfriend to my friends. So I packed my bags and left her. There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator . Juno. Oh, so youre sick! came the reply. Guinevere going to get married? These are some dark humor jokes! My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Whos there? Elf Jokes - Printable cards are perfect if you have an elf on the shelf - they are funny even if you don't) St Patrick's Day Jokes. So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France. My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious Forget about the butterflies. I think you might be suffering from a lack of vitamin me. Me: I understand. My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her, and I'm getting tired of it. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put the letters U and I together. Our love will never become cold and hollow unless one day you refuse to swallow. What do blind people do when they get sick? Jokes on them, they're imaginary too. Candice be love that I am feeling right now? Some ladies love jokes that go slightly overboard. When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday. Q: What do you call your ex-girlfriend with Pms and Esp? My girlfriend accused me of cheating. It is very important to have a woman who can cook, clean, and take care of the kids. My girlfriends dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door. A girl asked her boyfriend if he would still love her after marriage. Wrong. They are way better than boyfriends. The dock.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'laffgaff_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_9',661,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-leaderboard-2-0'); Because they have little anty bodies.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[336,280],'laffgaff_com-leader-1','ezslot_12',662,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-leader-1-0'); I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude. (Or when Facebook and Instagram are down.). My girlfriend and I broke up today My girlfriend left me because Im insecure. A: A But today is opposite day so it's all good, Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. Unlawful is against the law. Whos there? If youre not sure where to start, no worries! It's because they have little antibodies. Compatibility in Sex, Love, Marriage & More, The 11 Best Ways to Respond to "Hey" from a Girl on Tinder, Taurus and Cancer Compatibility: Love, Sex, and More. Why do cops hate sick birds? My husband is of the opinion that I am absolutely crazy. A: Lipstick, 29. Him: I'm coming over. Juno, who. My girlfriend's such a bad cook, ", "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative". I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand. Iguana love you forever and always. Because they have little anty-bodies. Why did the donut go to the dentist? She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?". I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. Iguana, who? Were working the first blonde replied. Tulips." 5 "Never date an apostrophe. Whos there? Marriage, on the other hand, is the eye opener. It seems I can't take anything out on time. My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her 8. You remind me of a magnet because you sure are attracting me! My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didnt stop pointing out random exits and entrances. Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Holiday Jokes. You cannot buy love, but you can still pay heavily for it. Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN. Snow. He wipes his ass. I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/c\/c0\/13004804-1.jpg\/v4-460px-13004804-1.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/c\/c0\/13004804-1.jpg\/v4-728px-13004804-1.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"