difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

They may have seen it, heard about it, read about it, but they havent experienced it for themselves. I do look back and think what the hell was I thinking but I no longer beat myself up over it, it it as it is and my daughter now sees her independant mum back. We met a few times. She told my sister she hasnt heard from me. Thats what MOTHERS do. He will tell you a bunch of shitty lies anyway. Yes. All of this led to a fight and unremitting denials about his perceived drug use before he drove off. Ciembithat truly sucks. As much as I felt blessed to have run into man from high school and as much as I wish I had known him better then, Im still content to say no to high school reunions. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences. Its been over a year, and Im getting better and then suddenly something will hit me and I will crash emotionally. then i realized i had to end everything with him becasue I still had feelings and told him not to contact me anymore. I know that this need not happen to you, and I hope it never does play out like this for you. THANK YOU! Synonym for grudge Grudge = Feeling of hatred/anger Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will hold a grudge forever! Also, if he were just bragging (I think 15 year old boys do this but grow out of it), what is your assessment of someone who needs to brag like that? Cut your losses, beautiful lady, and remain NC. I hope you stick to your guns about distancing anyone who disrespected you. This happened a few times several years ago. DGzCarbon Getting It!Sorry for all typos in above post & this one, doing this by phone. I tired NC and then realized I was still being affected by her, especailly when I got into relationships. Remember your boundaries. Remorse? I followed him. Don't be afraid to ask for some space or take a step back before continuing the conversation. Im due to see him at another social event this week and Ive decided to tell him in no uncertain terms that Im not OK with pretending to people that were friends and that hes superficial and shallow- and a coward for not having the gumption to tell me that hed moved on. Holding a grudge happens when. Sign up for notifications from Insider! I did not respond. I had issues were I would let things go, but still have resentment through my silence and it took me quite awhile to move beyond passive aggressive behavior and to just confront people about how I felt about the situation or their behavior. Its unfair. They always tell you who they are. hb```ia eah``l8#Cmw,N "Now compare that to how much emotional reserve you have towards someone you feel wronged you. I am well aware of the working definition of forgiveness and what it means and doesnt mean, especially in Biblical terms. I dont know if I have if I cant even say their names when I pray. The Lords prayer is helpful in learning how to do that because of the line forgive us our debts AS we forgive our debtorsSee? I wont feel guilty about admiring the sociability and sweet openness of a guy at the party I went to. When we hold a grudge, we. Hes playing with your heart. I really have no feelings towards her at all. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. So when I experienced that behavior towards myself, I would ask myself, what would you do if someone were treating your daughter that way. Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. Check out these best-sellers and special offers on books and newsletters from Mayo Clinic Press. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. JBI Evidence Synthesis. Why should it be any different w people? Done! It's so ingrained, it feels like the right thing to do. I cant imagine the devastation your heart must be in right now. , Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. Im sorry for you too. Martinez-Diaz P, et al. I would not have been in contact with her this time, except that she was getting a hip replacement and my sister begged me to go to the hospital so she wouldnt have to be with mother alone. No forgive & forget from me thts for sure! Say no to blaming yourself for who people are. FLUSH. Yoghurt- Thank you. But thats just me. He said so. Vindication? He has shown you who he is, now act on it! Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. Just clarifying my thoughts! I need to leave it alone, and stop feeling like I have to DO SOMETHING. I see so clearly now he was a narcissists w/a harem. Thanks for the advice. I think Ive been too polite and nice with all this. This is the first time ever -that I have felt that way. See (jumping in as someone who got themselves messed up over church teachings on religion), my 2ps-worth: Forgiving people is an action, feelings are just feelings (although if you entertain vengeful manky feelings youre being unloving towards yourself, and should stop). I was appalled by this. Validation? . Even knowing that wasnt enough for me, I apparently needed a hefty dose of agonizing pain before I finally had my fill and got burned so bad Ill never want to be in that pit again. I dont like to be around you. If you feel uncomfortable, dont stick around. | Meaning, pronunciation, translations and examples Well. The difference is that Ive chosen to use this painful experience to grow as a person and that usually means letting go of the past and never looking back. Merci. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. I used to think it was 77 times, but its in fact 70 times 7. But if you feel like you need to (or want to) cancel plans with someone, you might want to reflect a bit more on the reason why. *Wear a rubber band and whenever you think of your ex, snap it on your wrist. Good for you for not going along with that plan, because the outcome would have ultimately been much the same but you would feel worse. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life. I dont know if this helps but when you feel the urge to contact bear in mind that hes probably doing the same with other women too, and was all along. With all of my relationships Im the same way. Sorry, meant to add that its neither here nor there whether theyre repetent or not. I have learned to protect myself, and deal with her effectively. Mummys boy I had 9 mo r.ship w b4 ex now deceased AC re-entered my life, sent me a facebook friend request y.day. Im writing for some feedback/advice, if you may be so kind. This time. The differences and similarities between "The Dog that Bit People" and "The Weather of New England" are easy to find throughout the story, and will be further dove into. I feel right about not replying to him. Now if I were to ask you, your advice, on a friend who is funny, nice, who takes me out biking (best positive activity i have done for eons) BUT who goes on about women as if they are meat, who talks to me in one glance, but then is always looking at other women or scantily clad women on the tv, with another glance, who i catch checking my body parts out regularly, and unashamedly, who makes his hugs last a lil too long (yak) who is now using his biking knowledge and lending me a very decent bike as his control lever to keep going out with him (I am saving for my own fucking bike thanks, mate) and that I just have this uneasy, queasy feeling of being leched upon, and that I just want to untangle myself from him, and his unfolding character .would you tell me Im just making it a bigger deal than what it is, and to stay and just reaffirm my boundries of friendship only? AAAArrrrggggg!! We also mistake the fact that we may recognise what does and doesnt work for us and that we may actually be feeling relatively at peace about something thats happened, as an automatic precursor to going for another round or even treat it as a court order from our inner critic. I hope these help. Yes, I have served our homeless community and havent always liked it but did it anyway, didnt think of comparing it to forgiveness but you are absolutely right. He disrespects women! But I did. One thing led to another, and 3.5 months later we got together for a romantic weekend in his country. I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. My mother, who is in poor health and very demanding and lazy, expected me to step into my grandmothers role of basically being her punching bag. MY goal now is to toughen up and understand that I have my own needs they are completely VALID and that I deserve to have them met either by myself or in the relationships I have at whatever level. Have I forgiven them? To her forgiveness meant her saying sorry (actually shouting at me, Im sorry, okay? Sending love and hugs your way. Hard pass! Not doing it!You dont need to keep proving yourself or trying to earn their approval, and whoever you first learned to do this with taught you to believe you *had* to be a people pleaser. Someone told me recently that we all seem to have a cross to bear in this lifetime. "Think about how much emotional threshold you have towards most people even annoying ones," Owen said. Forgiving is not always easy - especially if you have experienced . Jesus told us to love one another as He has loved us. Thats the tricky part. 4th ed. On some level what he did made you cringe, yet you are second guessing yourself. Wondering if I meant anything as he sent a few lame text messages and that was it. Are you a codependent who cant get your point across to someone trying to dominate you? There is a guy interested, but I can see inspite of his efforts, emotionally disconnected and I feel fragmented after spending too much time with him, at least I dont feel emotionally nourished. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is.". If we expect the Lord to forgive us for debts we cant pay, yet we expect other sinners to repay theirs to usitswellkinda hypocritical. For putting the people who actually do care about you, to the side while w whats his/her face. Bless you for your response. Define your terms? I doubt hes a moron. The weird thing is that I didnt myself realise how bad it had been, until he was gone. I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop. It lasted only three months, yet I got really deep into it (still am). Our gut, our minds, and even our hearts may be signalling that we should leave things alone and apply what weve learned into moving forward but then our inner critic pipes up with, Dont be a heartless beep beep! Your last two posts have come at exactly the right moment. The trouble is we live in a small town and Im due to see him at another event next week. I'm especially proud of you for considering your daughter's feelings. Of course, they object when you point it out. My gut says he is married or in a relationship. I kinda believe they dont want the nc so they can just check we have forgiven them so they feel validated to carry on their merry way.my ex doesnt even bother texting me but will reply to me if I text him. It would be easy to put myself under a load of pressure to try to do All The Things in the name of book promo, but my body said no to hoeing myself out.Instead, Ive had a lot of quiet time, a few super early nights where Ive been fast asleep by 9.30, and have put myself under strict orders to stop overloading my schedule. Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. Hell, no! Today, I am still grieving, suffereing, felt tricked by him in the friendship last year, You would think after all the hardship we went through that now we would be more ready to make it work, but no, he said his feelings switched off long time ago, yet he kept wanting me around. Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. Holding grudges is one of the top ways that people lose valuable relationships. Right now, I only have the energy to forgive myself. Ive never in my life had a problem being undecided or being able to keep a friendly distance with someone who I dont have much feelings for. Ive been there. hll get the message! Closure? You speak your mind and I appreciate this about your posts. Toxic people, narcissists, and passive-aggressive people know they are hurtful. 1998-2023 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. What To Do When Your Family Doesnt Love What Does Arguing With A Narcissist Sound Like. DONT. CC, I just read your comment. It would be great if his knowing that fact would change his heart, but it doesnt. LavendarCheck in with your feelings and tell us what you think the answer is. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. shattered you dont need anyones permission but do be prepared for a big let down or, worse, to be insulted. Its as though I either like you or I dont even see you. I think it is fine that he knows that I do not think hes a good guy deserving of me letting bygones be bygones. February 28th, 2023. Yet, this time, Im finding it so hard. All of the progressromancebeautymagic was gone when he decided to undo everything by taking some heavy-duty drugs, and denying same while tremors beset his face and hands, and while perseverating while rocking in his seat. Dont you know thats where he was going. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. The researchers found six main components of holding a grudge, including: Sometimes, we get so obsessed with a grudge that we develop a sort of tunnel vision. These wounds can leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger sometimes even hatred. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. Youre mean to not want to go there. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. If he is a narcissist then you are feeding him. I didnt even stand up to him the times he hit me, and told me it was my fault that he did it. I am going to be me and be in this true reality that I have found post-relationship. It is far more powerful than breaking it to talk to him. I wrote that post last night in a moment of particular discomfort, and I was blown away this morning when I found your thoughtful replies. Also, misspoke about 77it is 707, as you said. By embracing forgiveness, you also can embrace peace and hope. Itll be wasted emotion on your end. I broke it off after a few weeks because the emotional rollercoaster was too painful but then spent the last 4 months wondering what could have been, would have been, should have been, and so on. Choose to forgive the person who's offended you. I dont have to try to convince myself that the EUM will eventually come around just to indirectly, silently protect his ego. But if theyre not, theres probably nothing to be gained from letting them carry on reaping the rewards of being unrepetent on you. Im sure she doesnt know he overlapped us for many months at the least. I hate having to tell people about the split, and expose myself to their judgements but I try not to worry about it, after all they were not married to him. Needless to say, my brother, sister and I had far from an ideal childhood. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. Hold a grudge definition: If you have or bear a grudge against someone, you have unfriendly feelings towards them. Looking into the reasons why forgiving is not easy. If this person being in my life only brought me pain, why would I go back when I can move forward? When u end it. 2023 Copyright 2019 Reach Out Recovery, Inc. All Rights Reserved. I can see it in his eyes. Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone youre trying to forgive. She did not mention the message she had left me. Lavender, If youre struggling, try thinking of the STDs he may be carrying around with him. I have gotten two jerks out of my life this year and now I have my own concerns more at heart. That just comes with time and distance. "We find great excuses to do a task in another room from our partner, become slow to return phone calls from a friend, or feel that we're just too busy to get together.". He also said woe to the person who harms one of these little ones. I havent caught up with my friend since August, and now I know why. Needless to say, I did not return her call and havent spoken to her since. Once I sense a romantic partner is bad news, something changes inside and I cant be with them.